Madonna – Give Me All Your Luvin’

You know how in comic book films like X-Men there’s a couple of bad mutants who help out the central bad guy? Like, ok, Mystique and Sabre Tooth are bad-ass in their own right but they’re not in the same league as Magneto. They aren’t levitating the Golden Gate Bridge and plonking it atop Alcatraz Island. They’re Magneto’s accessories. They’re a pair of Magneto’s earrings. (Ed – Are you going anywhere with this?)

In Madonna’s latest release ‘Give me All Your Luvin’‘, Madonna has made Nicki Minaj and M.I.A her earrings.

And boy does M.I.A hate that. She doesn’t hate it enough to turn down her pay cheque, you understand; but she’s not a happy camper. She looks like a woman whose own irrelevance to the music industry has just cock slapped her in the face. She even does a little gun shooting bit in her ‘solo’ like on that song she did three years ago. Aww. Bless


Let’s face it; the song sucks. It’s not particularly exciting. It doesn’t make your brain say some thing like this:


It does make your brain say something like this:

Brain – “Oh. Are we out of milk?”

Despite that, the song is catchy. But as I have said many times before, pubic lice are catchy. (Ed – Eww)

And the average audio aside I think the video is good. It holds it’s own.

Some Good Things about the Video

1. It’s short. No fifteen minute, pointless excercise in pseudo performance art inanity here. Just a video to go with a song.

2. It’s sponsored by Adidas and Smirnoff Vodka. Two companies I am happy to give my monies to.

3. It has a ‘just-retro-enough’ vibe. The fake streets, the studio rain, the footballers, the gun attack, the slow motion falling, the whole Marilyn Monroe clone section. It’s a bit like what Lana Del Rey’s going for. Only more fun.

4. It has crotch thrusting. Obv.

5. It has a bit where she throws a doll like it’s a football. Oh Madonna, what are you like!

I’m going to sit up and wait for her half-time performance at the Super Bowl. Fingers crossed that it’s sheer brilliance will make up for the sleep I’ll miss out on.


M83 – Midnight City

January, being the temporal equivalent of a big smelly and hungry hangover, is a month that requires support. I’m not talking “Joan-Rivers keep-my-crazy-ladylips-fast-and-loose” support. I’m talking about “It’s FUCKING cold. I have to go to FUCKING work. Everyone is FUCKING annoying. And I just stepped on one of those FUCKING paving stones that make your feet wetter than Ed Sheeran’s underpants when ever he hears his “music” played in the caff on Eastenders”. That type of support.
So to ease those dark, early morning commutes and cold, lonely nights I’ll recommend songs which are the aural equivalent of Michael Fassbender whipping his top off, to cover you when you’re cold.


Songs that make you think, “Yeah! James Franco is totally thinking about me naked. And he’s not even gay!”


These songs will swoop into your bedraggled grey matter, shoot glitter-jizz all over your cerebral cortex and pump firewhiskey into your belly. They’re a jumpstart. A slap in the week’s face. From next week they’ll be posted on Monday. But for those who are craving a little hump-day treat I present this.

Midnight City-M83 –

I heard this song at a friend’s house last year and it lodged itself in my head like SONIC BRAIN CRABS. When I got home I listened to it a couple more times. Then a couple more. Then I previewed the rest of the album (Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming) and bought it fair and square, with money and everything.

The song makes you feel like the kids in the video. Young, strong and powerful (Ed – Woah, this is all a bit Oprah). It sounds as huge as M83 deserve to be.

Now I know the video begins with a pair of chinos. But there are no chino wankers. It is amazing. Stick with it. It’s kind of like if X-Men had been directed by Gus Van Sant. Or if the Goonies had super powers.

I’m going to see M83 LIVE this evening. So yeah, if I come back with telekinetic abilities, don’t expect any more blog posts. I’ll be too busy throwing old caravans into walls and pulling hot guys trousers down WITH MY MIND.