Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day gutter sluts!

If you’re spending this year’s Valentine’s Day single, then you can look forward to an anonymous card in hand writing which looks suspiciously like your mothers; a microwave bolognaisse for one, served alongside a gnawing feeling of abject loneliness, desperation and misery.

I know right?

If you’re in a couple and are doing something coupley with your significant other then I am very happy for you. (Ed – What? Seriously?)

Look. Here at STBB we know that it kind of sucks to being single on Valentine’s Day. But we also know that being coupled up on Valentine’s Day feels pretty nice (Ed – Although couples shouldn’t brag about how awesome it is. That’s just a whole new dimension of tacky grimness I’m not prepared to go into).

So here’s a bunch of songs for single folks, coupled folks and all the people in between! (Ed – Right, you’re getting sacked)

Song for the Solidly Single: ‘Dirrty’ – Christina Aguilera

“Oh! What’s this? A box of chocolates for me? How romantic! I’m really going to enjoy smearing them all over my mouth and titties. Yeah justz likee thaaaa’ baby OOOH YEAAAH YOU LIKE THIS? TASTES SO NASSSSTY!” Let’s be frank – tonight you’ll be less interested in ‘The One’ and more preoccupied with having lots of orgasms in a skeezy sex den. And that is totally valid. I support your sluttyness. Not that you need support from anyone. Does anyone else miss slutty, orange Xtina? I do. I mean, when the singer of ‘Turn Back Time’ looks better than you do, it’s time to re-evaluate that whole McDonald’s & Rosé diet you’ve been on for the past year.

Song for a First Date: ‘Like a Virgin’ – Madonna 

First dates are WELL exciting. They’re kind of like boxing matches only with considerably less people and (hopefully) no pugilism. There’s the build up of choosing where and when to have it, what to wear, what aftershave to put on etc. Then the date itself which can be a neat little cocktail of flirtation, leading to a second date OR an utter disaster. If it goes a bit Xtina-shaped, don’t despair; it’s always a fun story to tell afterwards. Imagine the überlolz telling your friends about the time you went on a date with a guy who had his Pagan wedding vows tattooed down the side of his arm. From his previous marriage to a WOMAN. Admittedly it’s not as weird as Madonna’s date with a strange lion-man but that bitch is never one to be upstaged.

Song for Having a Massive Crush: ‘Crazy’ – Britney Spears

You fancy this person so much you feel borderline psycho. Seeing them feels like a trip to Disney World with Nicki Minaj and a huge bag of weed. This feeling is slightly co-dependant but who cares! Melissa Joan Hart’s in the video! Plus if Britney can look that cool whilst being obsessed with someone then so can you.

Song for Being Totally Loved Up: ‘The City’ – Patrick Wolf

Yes it’s earnest. Yes it’s romantic. Yes it’s unapologetically saccharine. But you know, that’s love innit. I imagine Patrick Wolf to be a bit of a dick; but when he writes shit like this, who cares?

Song for Being Jilted & Angry: ‘Caught Out There’ – Kelis

You know, on days when everything is starting to slide into a major-league self-pity party, I find putting on ANY Kelis record just cock-slaps those negative feelings out of your skull. But if you’ve been dicked about by some loser then you can’t do better than this one.

Born To Die – Album Review

Lana Del Rey – Born to Die

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Feeling chipper? Feeling as though you could take on the entire Universe and it’s wife and still have time to rustle up a Christmas dinner for ten of your nearest and dearest, WITH home made dessert and Come Dine With Me style entertainment (Ed – Oh Lord no!)?

Then make a point of NOT listening to Lana Del Rey’s debut album.

Lana’s debut is a vast, co-dependant doom carnival. Eponymous title track, Born to Die sets the precedent for all that follows. It’s so dark, bloody and beaten, the obvious theatre of the whole affair comes off less Blue Velvet and more Deep Blue Sea (Ed – Which is an astounding film thank you).

There’s only so many tracks about screwed up Lolita tramps getting beaten up and fucked by their emotionally abusive boyfriends that you can hear before you gotta turn around and for someone to put on the Spice Girls.

Remember the late 90s when there was lots of films and music about having a crush on someone, going out with them, breaking up with them and then moving on? Remember Clueless? Remember having FUN?!

Yeah well it’s 2012 bitch. Things have changed. And, by the stars, are they depressing.

I kept listening to this American Gothic inspired diatribe and desperately wanting it to be better than it was. Video Games is the best thing here and everything else is….yeah, shall we put on Spice World now?

My Advice to Lana Del Rey 

1. Your reading material needs to encompass more than Bret Easton Ellis novels and the fucking Twilight saga

2. Smile

My Advice to You

1. Just listen to Video Games

2. If you give this to someone as a Valentine’s Day gift, you’re a fucking douche-lord