Madonna – Girl Gone Wild

You know when you shoot up some grade-A CRACK? Yeah, me neither. I mean what is this? A 2003 Libertine’s Tour? No thanks.

My only perception of heroin is the crazy folks who lick the window and shit in the door way of the office and Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting. But I am a firm believer in sonic/visual heroin. Some thing you see/hear which sends you into a full on, fizzing, rutilant bliss coma. Here’s something I feel is massively appropriate for International Women’s Day.

I could be garnering more hits on this blog if I was writing a post about One Direction right now. But you know what?

One Direction don’t have a vagina made of molten amazingness, a pop music career spanning a quarter of a century, four kids, two ex-husbands, a Sex Book, a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, a mystical piece of red string, a boyfriend 29 years her junior, 12 studio albums, countless number 1s…I could go on.

When I was watching the above video for the one millionth time I was struck by one thing: the bitch has done a lot. If I showed that clip to an alien I imagine the conversation would look a little like this:

Me: Hey. Watch this.

Alien: Dude I came here to enslave your race not to watch music videos.

Me: Indulge me.

Alien: Ok. *watches* Shit bro, all that crotch thrusting is scaring the fucking star dust out of me, I’m leaving.

Madonna – Saving the World since 1958

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Starsmith – Lesson One

Before everything kicks off tomorrow, I’m going to listen to this song lots.

I heard it in Summer last year and it was as sultry now as it was then. Yesterday’s balmy weather clearly fooled my body into thinking summer was on it’s way. WE HAVE A WHILE TO GO YET PEOPLE.

Besides, it’s always nice to watch a video of an attractive man walking round Dover with a girl who’s face I cant remember/have any interest in. He lights a few cigarettes, brushes his teeth, goes fishing, climbs a few rocks, then traipses back to the tent to have mediocre sex with his unappreciative girl friend.

You know some guys are just like that.


The song however, is lurvely.

Oh and if Liverpool Football Club don’t win against Cardiff on Sunday, expect a lot of angry music next week. Just sayin’

Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day gutter sluts!

If you’re spending this year’s Valentine’s Day single, then you can look forward to an anonymous card in hand writing which looks suspiciously like your mothers; a microwave bolognaisse for one, served alongside a gnawing feeling of abject loneliness, desperation and misery.

I know right?

If you’re in a couple and are doing something coupley with your significant other then I am very happy for you. (Ed – What? Seriously?)

Look. Here at STBB we know that it kind of sucks to being single on Valentine’s Day. But we also know that being coupled up on Valentine’s Day feels pretty nice (Ed – Although couples shouldn’t brag about how awesome it is. That’s just a whole new dimension of tacky grimness I’m not prepared to go into).

So here’s a bunch of songs for single folks, coupled folks and all the people in between! (Ed – Right, you’re getting sacked)

Song for the Solidly Single: ‘Dirrty’ – Christina Aguilera

“Oh! What’s this? A box of chocolates for me? How romantic! I’m really going to enjoy smearing them all over my mouth and titties. Yeah justz likee thaaaa’ baby OOOH YEAAAH YOU LIKE THIS? TASTES SO NASSSSTY!” Let’s be frank – tonight you’ll be less interested in ‘The One’ and more preoccupied with having lots of orgasms in a skeezy sex den. And that is totally valid. I support your sluttyness. Not that you need support from anyone. Does anyone else miss slutty, orange Xtina? I do. I mean, when the singer of ‘Turn Back Time’ looks better than you do, it’s time to re-evaluate that whole McDonald’s & Rosé diet you’ve been on for the past year.

Song for a First Date: ‘Like a Virgin’ – Madonna 

First dates are WELL exciting. They’re kind of like boxing matches only with considerably less people and (hopefully) no pugilism. There’s the build up of choosing where and when to have it, what to wear, what aftershave to put on etc. Then the date itself which can be a neat little cocktail of flirtation, leading to a second date OR an utter disaster. If it goes a bit Xtina-shaped, don’t despair; it’s always a fun story to tell afterwards. Imagine the überlolz telling your friends about the time you went on a date with a guy who had his Pagan wedding vows tattooed down the side of his arm. From his previous marriage to a WOMAN. Admittedly it’s not as weird as Madonna’s date with a strange lion-man but that bitch is never one to be upstaged.

Song for Having a Massive Crush: ‘Crazy’ – Britney Spears

You fancy this person so much you feel borderline psycho. Seeing them feels like a trip to Disney World with Nicki Minaj and a huge bag of weed. This feeling is slightly co-dependant but who cares! Melissa Joan Hart’s in the video! Plus if Britney can look that cool whilst being obsessed with someone then so can you.

Song for Being Totally Loved Up: ‘The City’ – Patrick Wolf

Yes it’s earnest. Yes it’s romantic. Yes it’s unapologetically saccharine. But you know, that’s love innit. I imagine Patrick Wolf to be a bit of a dick; but when he writes shit like this, who cares?

Song for Being Jilted & Angry: ‘Caught Out There’ – Kelis

You know, on days when everything is starting to slide into a major-league self-pity party, I find putting on ANY Kelis record just cock-slaps those negative feelings out of your skull. But if you’ve been dicked about by some loser then you can’t do better than this one.

Madonna – Give Me All Your Luvin’

You know how in comic book films like X-Men there’s a couple of bad mutants who help out the central bad guy? Like, ok, Mystique and Sabre Tooth are bad-ass in their own right but they’re not in the same league as Magneto. They aren’t levitating the Golden Gate Bridge and plonking it atop Alcatraz Island. They’re Magneto’s accessories. They’re a pair of Magneto’s earrings. (Ed – Are you going anywhere with this?)

In Madonna’s latest release ‘Give me All Your Luvin’‘, Madonna has made Nicki Minaj and M.I.A her earrings.

And boy does M.I.A hate that. She doesn’t hate it enough to turn down her pay cheque, you understand; but she’s not a happy camper. She looks like a woman whose own irrelevance to the music industry has just cock slapped her in the face. She even does a little gun shooting bit in her ‘solo’ like on that song she did three years ago. Aww. Bless

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Let’s face it; the song sucks. It’s not particularly exciting. It doesn’t make your brain say some thing like this:

Brain – “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENINGN TO MEEEEZ! I’M MELTINGSZ THIS IS SUUUR FURCKING GUUUUUUD!!!!!!!”

It does make your brain say something like this:

Brain – “Oh. Are we out of milk?”

Despite that, the song is catchy. But as I have said many times before, pubic lice are catchy. (Ed – Eww)

And the average audio aside I think the video is good. It holds it’s own.

Some Good Things about the Video

1. It’s short. No fifteen minute, pointless excercise in pseudo performance art inanity here. Just a video to go with a song.

2. It’s sponsored by Adidas and Smirnoff Vodka. Two companies I am happy to give my monies to.

3. It has a ‘just-retro-enough’ vibe. The fake streets, the studio rain, the footballers, the gun attack, the slow motion falling, the whole Marilyn Monroe clone section. It’s a bit like what Lana Del Rey’s going for. Only more fun.

4. It has crotch thrusting. Obv.

5. It has a bit where she throws a doll like it’s a football. Oh Madonna, what are you like!

I’m going to sit up and wait for her half-time performance at the Super Bowl. Fingers crossed that it’s sheer brilliance will make up for the sleep I’ll miss out on.

Got Closure? Gotye – Somebody that I Used to Know

ImageI was going to feature this in a special Valentine’s Day Post in a couple of weeks. But I decided we all needed closure from the awful month that was January, which mercifully ends tomorrow.

January featured, amongst other awful things:

Boat’s capsizing, Etta James dying, an increased number of murder deaths, taking the Christmas decorations down, fraught breakups – all of it sucked.

So that’s why we need this song: for closure.

Obviously this song is largely about fraught breakup closure. All the questions, confusion, anger, sadness that such nasty things entail.

Well it’s over.

So you can sail that ex of yours out of your life, Kimbra-style on a little boat shaped like a Glockenspiel.

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This song has been lodged in my brain, like a Viagara engorged willy in a cock-ring since some Radio DJ featured it whilst I was cruising for hotties and flipping the bird to the cops, following LFCs defeat of Man United. (Ed – TWOOOOOO ONEEEE, TWOOOOO ONE, TWOOOO ONE!)

And it turns out there’s a nice video which features:

1. A man

2. A Kimbra

3. Geometric shapes

There’s also a very good cover by some very poor (Ed – One guitar between five?!), yet good looking people. Just take a moment to appreciate the guy second from the right.

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No need to thank me.

One Direction: Genuine Boy band or just easy publicity?

I think One Direction are a bit like feminism. They mean different things to different people.

To many children between the ages of five and fifteen they’re a number one priority. They’re probably more important than all those dull and dreary chores; like homework or breathing.

To slightly older (& moody) children and countless “real” music journalists, they’re a bunch feckless idiots who rely on their hairstyles more than any two-bit, Urban Outfitters-loving-queerboy with a club night, and a masters in Blogging, Memes and Thatcher.

And speaking of gays…

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They fucking love One Direction. And if you don’t believe me, I can point you in the direction of several tumblrs, the creators of which are not 15 year old girls.

Some facts about One Direction

1. They are a boy band.

2. There are five of them.

3. They are young.

4. They are good looking.

5. They are marketed to three core demographics:

(i) girl-children

(ii) gay men

(iii) middle aged women

To the girl children, they’re future husband material.

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To the gay men, they’re wank material.

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To the middle aged women, I get the feeling that they’re trying for a weird reverse-Oedipal thing. Dress a bunch of good looking lads up as babies and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Image

Throw in Harry Styles (17) relationship with Rebecca Flakk (32) and you got one big bucket of fag-swooning, jail-baiting publicity

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And a very content media mogul.

Here’s their latest video. Which is again, brought to us by Topman. It’s all a bit Monkees, a bit Beatles, a bit “wouldn’t it be good if One Direction stole a bus during the summer riots and becalmed the roving hordes of looters and disenfranchised youth, through the power of song and Harry Style’s curly locks?”

All in all, it’ll do.