Madonna – Girl Gone Wild

You know when you shoot up some grade-A CRACK? Yeah, me neither. I mean what is this? A 2003 Libertine’s Tour? No thanks.

My only perception of heroin is the crazy folks who lick the window and shit in the door way of the office and Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting. But I am a firm believer in sonic/visual heroin. Some thing you see/hear which sends you into a full on, fizzing, rutilant bliss coma. Here’s something I feel is massively appropriate for International Women’s Day.

I could be garnering more hits on this blog if I was writing a post about One Direction right now. But you know what?

One Direction don’t have a vagina made of molten amazingness, a pop music career spanning a quarter of a century, four kids, two ex-husbands, a Sex Book, a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, a mystical piece of red string, a boyfriend 29 years her junior, 12 studio albums, countless number 1s…I could go on.

When I was watching the above video for the one millionth time I was struck by one thing: the bitch has done a lot. If I showed that clip to an alien I imagine the conversation would look a little like this:

Me: Hey. Watch this.

Alien: Dude I came here to enslave your race not to watch music videos.

Me: Indulge me.

Alien: Ok. *watches* Shit bro, all that crotch thrusting is scaring the fucking star dust out of me, I’m leaving.

Madonna – Saving the World since 1958

One Direction: Genuine Boy band or just easy publicity?

I think One Direction are a bit like feminism. They mean different things to different people.

To many children between the ages of five and fifteen they’re a number one priority. They’re probably more important than all those dull and dreary chores; like homework or breathing.

To slightly older (& moody) children and countless “real” music journalists, they’re a bunch feckless idiots who rely on their hairstyles more than any two-bit, Urban Outfitters-loving-queerboy with a club night, and a masters in Blogging, Memes and Thatcher.

And speaking of gays…

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They fucking love One Direction. And if you don’t believe me, I can point you in the direction of several tumblrs, the creators of which are not 15 year old girls.

Some facts about One Direction

1. They are a boy band.

2. There are five of them.

3. They are young.

4. They are good looking.

5. They are marketed to three core demographics:

(i) girl-children

(ii) gay men

(iii) middle aged women

To the girl children, they’re future husband material.

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To the gay men, they’re wank material.

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To the middle aged women, I get the feeling that they’re trying for a weird reverse-Oedipal thing. Dress a bunch of good looking lads up as babies and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Image

Throw in Harry Styles (17) relationship with Rebecca Flakk (32) and you got one big bucket of fag-swooning, jail-baiting publicity

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And a very content media mogul.

Here’s their latest video. Which is again, brought to us by Topman. It’s all a bit Monkees, a bit Beatles, a bit “wouldn’t it be good if One Direction stole a bus during the summer riots and becalmed the roving hordes of looters and disenfranchised youth, through the power of song and Harry Style’s curly locks?”

All in all, it’ll do.