Madonna – Half Time Super Bowl Performance

The Super Bowl kind of reminds me of those tour gigs the NME used to do (Ed – They still do them) where they’d bunch a group of assorted artists together and make them perform at venues around the country. You’d get tickets to go and watch Goldfrapp for example, but would just get drunk in the car park outside whilst The Zutons and The Bravery were playing. Right? Right.

I do not understand American Football. I’m with everyone who says it’s over complicated rugby with shoulder pads.

I do however, understand Madonna. As much as such a woman can be understood. It’s like saying you understand string theory. You have a vague idea but the intricacies remain hidden despite years of scrutiny.

One doesn’t survive in show business for 16 years by being obvious.

Despite this I have found Madonna’s return to music…problematic. She’s famous for working with other artists and producing astonishing pieces of music, the entire ‘Ray of Light’ album being a prime example. Yet with the utter disaster that was ‘Hard Candy’ still lingering in my mind (Ed – That was four years ago. Move on!) I’m apprehensive as to what ‘MDNA’ will entail.

A Brief Summary Of Madonna’s Super Bowl Performance

1.       Chariot Entrance

2.      A head dress

3.      Gladiatorial Voguing (Ed – It’s going to be huge)

4.      Some rubbish bit with LMFAO (Ed – Reductive)

5.      The new song bit

6.      A huge marching band

7.      A huge choir

8.      “World Peace”

For me personally it was amazing. Disregarding the whole LMFAO fiasco, my brain was abuzz with higher than average dopamine levels. All induced by a woman who is 54 this year. I’m aware how much of a gay stereotype my love for Madonna is (Ed – Major stereotype. You’re a little faggot bro!) but something about her excites me on a cellular level. It’s uncontrollable.

Hey did anyone else think she looked a bit like Skeletor from the Masters of the Universe film? Also starring Courtney Cox?

Just me then.

 

Madonna – Give Me All Your Luvin’

You know how in comic book films like X-Men there’s a couple of bad mutants who help out the central bad guy? Like, ok, Mystique and Sabre Tooth are bad-ass in their own right but they’re not in the same league as Magneto. They aren’t levitating the Golden Gate Bridge and plonking it atop Alcatraz Island. They’re Magneto’s accessories. They’re a pair of Magneto’s earrings. (Ed – Are you going anywhere with this?)

In Madonna’s latest release ‘Give me All Your Luvin’‘, Madonna has made Nicki Minaj and M.I.A her earrings.

And boy does M.I.A hate that. She doesn’t hate it enough to turn down her pay cheque, you understand; but she’s not a happy camper. She looks like a woman whose own irrelevance to the music industry has just cock slapped her in the face. She even does a little gun shooting bit in her ‘solo’ like on that song she did three years ago. Aww. Bless

.

Let’s face it; the song sucks. It’s not particularly exciting. It doesn’t make your brain say some thing like this:

Brain – “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENINGN TO MEEEEZ! I’M MELTINGSZ THIS IS SUUUR FURCKING GUUUUUUD!!!!!!!”

It does make your brain say something like this:

Brain – “Oh. Are we out of milk?”

Despite that, the song is catchy. But as I have said many times before, pubic lice are catchy. (Ed – Eww)

And the average audio aside I think the video is good. It holds it’s own.

Some Good Things about the Video

1. It’s short. No fifteen minute, pointless excercise in pseudo performance art inanity here. Just a video to go with a song.

2. It’s sponsored by Adidas and Smirnoff Vodka. Two companies I am happy to give my monies to.

3. It has a ‘just-retro-enough’ vibe. The fake streets, the studio rain, the footballers, the gun attack, the slow motion falling, the whole Marilyn Monroe clone section. It’s a bit like what Lana Del Rey’s going for. Only more fun.

4. It has crotch thrusting. Obv.

5. It has a bit where she throws a doll like it’s a football. Oh Madonna, what are you like!

I’m going to sit up and wait for her half-time performance at the Super Bowl. Fingers crossed that it’s sheer brilliance will make up for the sleep I’ll miss out on.