Madonna – Give Me All Your Luvin’

You know how in comic book films like X-Men there’s a couple of bad mutants who help out the central bad guy? Like, ok, Mystique and Sabre Tooth are bad-ass in their own right but they’re not in the same league as Magneto. They aren’t levitating the Golden Gate Bridge and plonking it atop Alcatraz Island. They’re Magneto’s accessories. They’re a pair of Magneto’s earrings. (Ed – Are you going anywhere with this?)

In Madonna’s latest release ‘Give me All Your Luvin’‘, Madonna has made Nicki Minaj and M.I.A her earrings.

And boy does M.I.A hate that. She doesn’t hate it enough to turn down her pay cheque, you understand; but she’s not a happy camper. She looks like a woman whose own irrelevance to the music industry has just cock slapped her in the face. She even does a little gun shooting bit in her ‘solo’ like on that song she did three years ago. Aww. Bless

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Let’s face it; the song sucks. It’s not particularly exciting. It doesn’t make your brain say some thing like this:

Brain – “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENINGN TO MEEEEZ! I’M MELTINGSZ THIS IS SUUUR FURCKING GUUUUUUD!!!!!!!”

It does make your brain say something like this:

Brain – “Oh. Are we out of milk?”

Despite that, the song is catchy. But as I have said many times before, pubic lice are catchy. (Ed – Eww)

And the average audio aside I think the video is good. It holds it’s own.

Some Good Things about the Video

1. It’s short. No fifteen minute, pointless excercise in pseudo performance art inanity here. Just a video to go with a song.

2. It’s sponsored by Adidas and Smirnoff Vodka. Two companies I am happy to give my monies to.

3. It has a ‘just-retro-enough’ vibe. The fake streets, the studio rain, the footballers, the gun attack, the slow motion falling, the whole Marilyn Monroe clone section. It’s a bit like what Lana Del Rey’s going for. Only more fun.

4. It has crotch thrusting. Obv.

5. It has a bit where she throws a doll like it’s a football. Oh Madonna, what are you like!

I’m going to sit up and wait for her half-time performance at the Super Bowl. Fingers crossed that it’s sheer brilliance will make up for the sleep I’ll miss out on.

Geriatric Jacuzzi Boobs & M83 Live

Whilst Denise Welch was busy ensuring her two teenage sons are continually RINSED for the rest of their lives on Wednesday night, me and some friends went to see M83 at the Manchester Ritz. Before I tell you about the gig, let us take a minute to feel sorry for the offspring and spouse of this woman:

I know you’re permitted a certain amount of lunacy as you age but if the fucking Queen of England can reach 900 or whatever without behaving like a smacked up lady paedophile, whose only desire is scuzzy coke sex followed by boozing it up royal in a lukewarm hot tub, then Denise can to. I’d feel sorry for her if she wasn’t a 53 year old Geordie. But I’ve been to Newcastle and I’ve encountered many a Geordie woman and all of them had more nous in their little finger than Denise does in her whole gnarly coke-bloat, ball-bag body. (Ed – I am told she’s been through a fair bit. Quit being so nasty).

A question: M83 are very good, aren’t they?

An answer: Yes

Sadly their awesomeness didn’t translate as a “real live musical experience” or whatever Radio One’s Greg James was bigging it up as.

My advice? Buy the album and listen to it ON REPEAT FOREVER UNTILL YOU DIE. And never go and see them live unless it’s a gig in space and you can watch them whilst some star goes supernova and a black hole sucks all the nasty shit out of the universe. Starting with Frankie CokeUser’s meffed up scrotum.

One Direction: Genuine Boy band or just easy publicity?

I think One Direction are a bit like feminism. They mean different things to different people.

To many children between the ages of five and fifteen they’re a number one priority. They’re probably more important than all those dull and dreary chores; like homework or breathing.

To slightly older (& moody) children and countless “real” music journalists, they’re a bunch feckless idiots who rely on their hairstyles more than any two-bit, Urban Outfitters-loving-queerboy with a club night, and a masters in Blogging, Memes and Thatcher.

And speaking of gays…

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They fucking love One Direction. And if you don’t believe me, I can point you in the direction of several tumblrs, the creators of which are not 15 year old girls.

Some facts about One Direction

1. They are a boy band.

2. There are five of them.

3. They are young.

4. They are good looking.

5. They are marketed to three core demographics:

(i) girl-children

(ii) gay men

(iii) middle aged women

To the girl children, they’re future husband material.

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To the gay men, they’re wank material.

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To the middle aged women, I get the feeling that they’re trying for a weird reverse-Oedipal thing. Dress a bunch of good looking lads up as babies and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Image

Throw in Harry Styles (17) relationship with Rebecca Flakk (32) and you got one big bucket of fag-swooning, jail-baiting publicity

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And a very content media mogul.

Here’s their latest video. Which is again, brought to us by Topman. It’s all a bit Monkees, a bit Beatles, a bit “wouldn’t it be good if One Direction stole a bus during the summer riots and becalmed the roving hordes of looters and disenfranchised youth, through the power of song and Harry Style’s curly locks?”

All in all, it’ll do.