Happy Valentine’s Day gutter sluts!
If you’re spending this year’s Valentine’s Day single, then you can look forward to an anonymous card in hand writing which looks suspiciously like your mothers; a microwave bolognaisse for one, served alongside a gnawing feeling of abject loneliness, desperation and misery.
I know right?
If you’re in a couple and are doing something coupley with your significant other then I am very happy for you. (Ed – What? Seriously?)
Look. Here at STBB we know that it kind of sucks to being single on Valentine’s Day. But we also know that being coupled up on Valentine’s Day feels pretty nice (Ed – Although couples shouldn’t brag about how awesome it is. That’s just a whole new dimension of tacky grimness I’m not prepared to go into).
So here’s a bunch of songs for single folks, coupled folks and all the people in between! (Ed – Right, you’re getting sacked)
Song for the Solidly Single: ‘Dirrty’ – Christina Aguilera
“Oh! What’s this? A box of chocolates for me? How romantic! I’m really going to enjoy smearing them all over my mouth and titties. Yeah justz likee thaaaa’ baby OOOH YEAAAH YOU LIKE THIS? TASTES SO NASSSSTY!” Let’s be frank – tonight you’ll be less interested in ‘The One’ and more preoccupied with having lots of orgasms in a skeezy sex den. And that is totally valid. I support your sluttyness. Not that you need support from anyone. Does anyone else miss slutty, orange Xtina? I do. I mean, when the singer of ‘Turn Back Time’ looks better than you do, it’s time to re-evaluate that whole McDonald’s & Rosé diet you’ve been on for the past year.
Song for a First Date: ‘Like a Virgin’ – Madonna
First dates are WELL exciting. They’re kind of like boxing matches only with considerably less people and (hopefully) no pugilism. There’s the build up of choosing where and when to have it, what to wear, what aftershave to put on etc. Then the date itself which can be a neat little cocktail of flirtation, leading to a second date OR an utter disaster. If it goes a bit Xtina-shaped, don’t despair; it’s always a fun story to tell afterwards. Imagine the überlolz telling your friends about the time you went on a date with a guy who had his Pagan wedding vows tattooed down the side of his arm. From his previous marriage to a WOMAN. Admittedly it’s not as weird as Madonna’s date with a strange lion-man but that bitch is never one to be upstaged.
Song for Having a Massive Crush: ‘Crazy’ – Britney Spears
You fancy this person so much you feel borderline psycho. Seeing them feels like a trip to Disney World with Nicki Minaj and a huge bag of weed. This feeling is slightly co-dependant but who cares! Melissa Joan Hart’s in the video! Plus if Britney can look that cool whilst being obsessed with someone then so can you.
Song for Being Totally Loved Up: ‘The City’ – Patrick Wolf
Yes it’s earnest. Yes it’s romantic. Yes it’s unapologetically saccharine. But you know, that’s love innit. I imagine Patrick Wolf to be a bit of a dick; but when he writes shit like this, who cares?
Song for Being Jilted & Angry: ‘Caught Out There’ – Kelis
You know, on days when everything is starting to slide into a major-league self-pity party, I find putting on ANY Kelis record just cock-slaps those negative feelings out of your skull. But if you’ve been dicked about by some loser then you can’t do better than this one.