Madonna – Give Me All Your Luvin’

You know how in comic book films like X-Men there’s a couple of bad mutants who help out the central bad guy? Like, ok, Mystique and Sabre Tooth are bad-ass in their own right but they’re not in the same league as Magneto. They aren’t levitating the Golden Gate Bridge and plonking it atop Alcatraz Island. They’re Magneto’s accessories. They’re a pair of Magneto’s earrings. (Ed – Are you going anywhere with this?)

In Madonna’s latest release ‘Give me All Your Luvin’‘, Madonna has made Nicki Minaj and M.I.A her earrings.

And boy does M.I.A hate that. She doesn’t hate it enough to turn down her pay cheque, you understand; but she’s not a happy camper. She looks like a woman whose own irrelevance to the music industry has just cock slapped her in the face. She even does a little gun shooting bit in her ‘solo’ like on that song she did three years ago. Aww. Bless

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Let’s face it; the song sucks. It’s not particularly exciting. It doesn’t make your brain say some thing like this:

Brain – “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENINGN TO MEEEEZ! I’M MELTINGSZ THIS IS SUUUR FURCKING GUUUUUUD!!!!!!!”

It does make your brain say something like this:

Brain – “Oh. Are we out of milk?”

Despite that, the song is catchy. But as I have said many times before, pubic lice are catchy. (Ed – Eww)

And the average audio aside I think the video is good. It holds it’s own.

Some Good Things about the Video

1. It’s short. No fifteen minute, pointless excercise in pseudo performance art inanity here. Just a video to go with a song.

2. It’s sponsored by Adidas and Smirnoff Vodka. Two companies I am happy to give my monies to.

3. It has a ‘just-retro-enough’ vibe. The fake streets, the studio rain, the footballers, the gun attack, the slow motion falling, the whole Marilyn Monroe clone section. It’s a bit like what Lana Del Rey’s going for. Only more fun.

4. It has crotch thrusting. Obv.

5. It has a bit where she throws a doll like it’s a football. Oh Madonna, what are you like!

I’m going to sit up and wait for her half-time performance at the Super Bowl. Fingers crossed that it’s sheer brilliance will make up for the sleep I’ll miss out on.

Born To Die – Album Review

Lana Del Rey – Born to Die

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Feeling chipper? Feeling as though you could take on the entire Universe and it’s wife and still have time to rustle up a Christmas dinner for ten of your nearest and dearest, WITH home made dessert and Come Dine With Me style entertainment (Ed – Oh Lord no!)?

Then make a point of NOT listening to Lana Del Rey’s debut album.

Lana’s debut is a vast, co-dependant doom carnival. Eponymous title track, Born to Die sets the precedent for all that follows. It’s so dark, bloody and beaten, the obvious theatre of the whole affair comes off less Blue Velvet and more Deep Blue Sea (Ed – Which is an astounding film thank you).

There’s only so many tracks about screwed up Lolita tramps getting beaten up and fucked by their emotionally abusive boyfriends that you can hear before you gotta turn around and for someone to put on the Spice Girls.

Remember the late 90s when there was lots of films and music about having a crush on someone, going out with them, breaking up with them and then moving on? Remember Clueless? Remember having FUN?!

Yeah well it’s 2012 bitch. Things have changed. And, by the stars, are they depressing.

I kept listening to this American Gothic inspired diatribe and desperately wanting it to be better than it was. Video Games is the best thing here and everything else is….yeah, shall we put on Spice World now?

My Advice to Lana Del Rey 

1. Your reading material needs to encompass more than Bret Easton Ellis novels and the fucking Twilight saga

2. Smile

My Advice to You

1. Just listen to Video Games

2. If you give this to someone as a Valentine’s Day gift, you’re a fucking douche-lord